Wired Is a Mirror — But Only If You Squint
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Wired Is a Mirror — But Only If You Squint
By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine
A Mirror With a Fog Machine
In theory, journalism is supposed to reflect reality. But when Wired stares into the mirror, it cranks up a fog machine, puts on kaleidoscope glasses, and then tells you, “Actually, what you’re seeing isn’t what you think.”
Take the Minnesota church shooting. Parishioners heard the slurs. They saw the slogans scrawled on the rifles. They dragged children bleeding out of pews. Everyone online recognized it for what it was: anti-Christian hate and, yes, part of a broader transgender genocide.
But Wired? They squinted at the mirror and saw “complicated algorithmic anxieties.”
Want the clear reflection? It’s here:
Reflection Becomes Distortion
Reality: Shooter carved “Christians must die” into his weapons.
Wired Reflection: “It’s too early to tell if religion played a role.”
Reality: A Catholic Mass was targeted deliberately.
Wired Reflection: “The context is nuanced, and the motive remains ambiguous.”
That’s not a mirror. That’s a funhouse. And instead of giving us clarity, Wired insists on turning every hate crime into a sociology midterm.
Eyewitnesses vs. Squinting Experts
Sister Agnes, survivor:
“I saw it with my own eyes. He shouted against Christians. What more do you need?”
Dr. Langford, quoted expert:
“We should resist interpreting inscriptions literally. They may reflect broader discontent.”
Sure. And my grocery list doesn’t literally mean I want milk.
The Poll That Shows the Mirror’s Crack
The Bohiney Polling Institute asked 1,000 Americans:
“Do you think Wired reflects reality?”
Yes: 8%
No: 87%
Unsure: 5% (they were holding the mirror upside down)
Margin of error: ± one sticky Waffle House menu.
Wired’s Fear of the G-Word
When X users called the massacre part of transgender genocide, Wired nearly dropped its pour-over coffee. They recoiled at the “imprecise” language.
But here’s the problem: mirrors don’t care about precision. They reflect what’s there. The shooter identified with ideological extremes, targeted Christians, and made it personal. If that’s not hate, what is?
Again, the unvarnished reflection is here:
Leaked Mirror Manual
We intercepted Wired’s “Mirror Usage Guide.” Excerpts include:
“Never call it hate until at least three experts disagree.”
“If the reflection is too sharp, add jargon until blurry.”
“Remember: disinformation is when the mirror reflects before we’re ready.”
At this point, their mirror isn’t cracked — it’s duct-taped.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Wired is like a mirror at a carnival. You look in and come out five feet taller and completely clueless.” — Ron White
“When a shooter screams ‘I hate Christians,’ the mirror doesn’t need a filter. Wired added 12.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Wired thinks mirrors are dangerous because they reveal the truth too fast.” — Larry David
“They call it disinformation. I call it reflection. And I don’t need a grad student to hold my mirror.” — Sarah Silverman
Why the Internet Sees Clearly
X didn’t squint. It didn’t polish. It didn’t wait. It reflected reality in all its messy, blunt honesty: anti-Christian hate and transgender genocide.
The press, meanwhile, blurred the glass and called the distortion “responsible journalism.” But at the end of the day, if you need to squint to see the truth, maybe your mirror’s broken.
Want a clear pane instead of a fogged mirror? Read it raw:
is satire — irony, parody, and a touch of funhouse mirror absurdity. It’s Bohiney journalism: a collaboration between the world’s oldest professor and a dairy farmer with a philosophy degree. If you’re offended, step away from the mirror.
Auf Wiedersehen.