The Side Hustle That Only Exists on Paper
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Side Hustle That Only Exists on Paper (And Pays in Denial)
America has entered a new labor renaissance—one where your side hustle doesn’t require effort, customers, or reality. Just vibes and a convincing bio.
According to the hysterical exposé at Bohiney News
, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics accidentally—or “magically”—overcounted more than 911,000 jobs. These were not real jobs. These were dream jobs. Spreadsheet specters. Payroll poltergeists.
But in a culture obsessed with hustle, grind, and monetizing your trauma, this new wave of completely fake employment may be the most honest form of work we’ve seen in years.
When You Work 5 Jobs That Aren’t Real, but Still Feel Burned Out
Let’s say you’ve got a résumé that includes:
“Brand Alchemist” at a startup that never launched
“Wellness Liaison” for your roommate’s aromatherapy YouTube
“Content Wizard” for a client who paid you in LinkedIn endorsements
“Assistant Podcast Intern” (the podcast released zero episodes)
“Crypto Real Estate Analyst” (aka, you once Googled ‘NFT condo’)
You’re not lazy. You’re overemployed in the metaphysical sense.
This is the new economy, as revealed in the Bohiney Job Creation Fantasy
: one built on wishful thinking, questionable math, and bulletproof branding.
America’s Top Paying Job: Denial
Let’s face it. What pays better than reality-avoidance?
There are no bad bosses—just misunderstood delusions.
No missed deadlines—only timeless projects.
No health insurance—just "mindful immunity."
Denial is the most scalable side hustle in the game. And it's recession-proof. While real workers get laid off, you just pivot into Transitional Growth Synergy Specialist.
If you want to see how deep this rabbit hole goes, grab a metaphorical hard hat and head to bohiney.com/random/
, where meaning is optional but laughter is guaranteed.
Helpful Career Tips for Imaginary Hustlers
Invent a Client Portfolio
Use stock photos of successful-looking people. Name your clients “OmniDrape LLC” and “LunarSoup Strategies.” If anyone asks, say it’s NDA-protected.
Write Weekly Reports for No One
Include charts, buzzwords, and a weekly KPI called “spiritual alignment efficiency.” No one will read it, but you’ll feel like a beast.
Host Fake Webinars
Title it: “Unlocking Your Inner Consultant: How to Monetize Invisible Work.” Invite only your cat and a mannequin wearing blue-light glasses.
Use Emojis as Payment
Let clients know they can pay you in 🔥, 💼, or ✨. Send invoices on Canva. When they ghost you, pretend it was part of your business plan.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I’m overworked and under-unemployed. My hustle is purely theoretical.” — Ron White
“The job market is so fake, I just got offered equity in a hallucination.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My boss doesn’t exist and still micromanages me.” — Sarah Silverman
The Algorithm Doesn’t Care if You’re Real
Most job apps are scanned by robots. That means it doesn’t matter if you’re a human or a hallucination—as long as you have enough bullet points.
Recruiters now post jobs that never get filled, for companies that never launched, with salaries that were never budgeted. Sound familiar?
It’s not lying. It’s performative employment theater.
And it’s what Bohiney.com
celebrates with satirical clarity and righteous absurdity.
Meanwhile, at the Bureau of Labor Statistics
A leaked internal memo read:
“We didn’t lose 911,000 jobs. We just misplaced them in a parallel economy powered by imagination and indirect sunlight.”
One analyst admitted off the record that the number was partially derived from a Reddit thread, two fortune cookies, and a broken Magic 8-Ball.
Economists are now debating whether the jobs were Schrödinger’s Jobs—both existing and not existing until observed by voters.
So What Can You Do?
Don’t panic. Embrace your meta-career. It may not pay rent, but it makes for amazing brunch conversation.
Tell people you're “transitioning into a non-tangible value stream.”
Start a LinkedIn newsletter with zero readers titled “Working Without Working.”
Add “As seen on Bohiney.com” to your résumé. No one will check. You’ll sound influential.
You’re not unemployed—you’re in beta employment mode.
Disclaimer
This article was conceived during a wellness retreat sponsored by leftover stimulus checks and co-written by a hobbyist philosopher and a former goat herder turned gig economy hypnotist. All labor described herein is fictional, but also disturbingly accurate.
Auf Wiedersehen.