Bad Science, Worse Hair

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Bad Science, Worse Hair: Experts Claim Edgar Cut Causes Crime

By General B.S. Slinger, Bohiney Magazine

The Link That Sparked the Studies

It all began with When Trump outlawed the Edgar haircut, the world expected angry teens, rebellious barbers, maybe even protests in mall food courts. What nobody predicted was the sudden rise of “scientific” studies linking bangs to burglary, fades to felonies, and fringe cuts to full-blown criminality.

The “Evidence”

Fox News gleefully waved around a chart showing Edgar wearers allegedly 73% more likely to steal catalytic converters. A Washington think tank published a report titled “Bang and Enter: How Hairlines Predict Crime.”

The lead author, Dr. Phillip Combson (whose only degree is from the “American School of Hair Science” online), testified before Congress:

“When bangs form a perfect line across the forehead, the brain perceives symmetry. Symmetry breeds arrogance. Arrogance leads to theft. This is irrefutable science.”

Yes, you read that right. Symmetry = theft.

Junk Science on Parade

Another study from the “Institute of Fringe Studies” concluded:

Kids with Edgars scored 40% lower on politeness tests.

Their swagger index was 60% higher.

Their likelihood of saying “bruh” three times in one sentence was 99.9%.

CNN interviewed an “eyewitness scientist” who claimed to have spotted a correlation between Edgar bangs and graffiti. “Every tagger I’ve seen had straight bangs,” he insisted, ignoring the fact he only studied two alleys in El Paso.

The White House Leans In

Trump used these studies to justify his ban:

“The science is very clear, folks. Beautiful science. Some of the best science. Hair like that makes you steal cars, do bad things. Nobody wants bad things.”

An anonymous staffer leaked that when advisors questioned the methodology, Trump shouted: “Who cares if it’s real science? It’s hair science. The best kind!”

Polling the People

Our Bohiney survey asked Americans: Do you believe the Edgar haircut causes crime?

34% said yes.

42% said no.

24% said “only if paired with Crocs.”

One Houston grandmother swore:

“My grandson got an Edgar. The next day, my remote control went missing. You tell me that’s not crime.”

Expert Testimony

Real scientists, however, are not amused. Dr. Marisol Ríos, sociologist, scoffed:

“This isn’t science. It’s scapegoating. Hair doesn’t cause crime—poverty, systemic inequality, and bad reality TV cause crime.”

Professor Emeritus Snip Snap added:

“I’ve studied hair for over 80 years. The only thing bangs cause is forehead tan lines.”

Eyewitness Stories

In Dallas, one barber recalled a police raid:

“They stormed in, yelling, ‘Drop the clippers!’ I thought it was a drug bust. Turns out they were collecting hair samples for a study. My floor sweepings are now ‘data.’”

Meanwhile, a 15-year-old Edgar wearer was stopped by school officials and accused of plotting to cheat on his algebra test. His crime? Carrying a comb.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Correlation isn’t causation. If it were, Trump’s hair would’ve caused bankruptcy—and oh wait, it did.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“According to these studies, if you wear bangs, you’re a criminal. If you wear a toupee, you’re a politician.” — Ron White

“Junk science about haircuts is the new astrology. Next month, ‘your bangs are in retrograde.’” — Sarah Silverman

The Slippery Slope of Hair Science

Critics warn that pseudo-science sets a dangerous precedent. Today bangs = burglary, tomorrow ponytails = piracy, and by 2030 bald men could be accused of terrorism.

Dr. Harold Scissormann issued a stark warning:

“Once you start funding follicular forensics, you’re not doing science. You’re doing satire dressed as data.”

International Reactions

European scientists mocked America’s obsession. A French researcher said, “If we banned every haircut linked to bad behavior, half of Paris would be bald.”

Meanwhile, in Japan, one lab cheekily released its own study: “Anime Bangs Do Not Cause Crime, Only Emotional Trauma.”

Helpful Content: How to Spot Bad Hair Science

To avoid falling for pseudoscience, here are tips:

Check Credentials: If the “doctor” is also offering $10 coupon codes for Supercuts, beware.

Examine the Sample: Two teens in an El Paso alley do not equal national data.

Look for Bias: If the study’s funded by “MAGA Clippers Inc.,” credibility is questionable.

Trust Real Experts: Hair may be cultural, stylish, or political—but it’s not criminology.

The Punchline

Trump’s Edgar ban isn’t about safety—it’s about scapegoating. By leaning on pseudo-science, the government has turned bangs into biology, and clippers into criminology.

History will laugh at these studies the way we laugh at phrenology. And somewhere, a teen with fresh bangs smirks, knowing that science may call him a criminal—but swagger is not a felony.

Disclaimer

This article is an entirely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen.