99% of Global Jobs Will Vanish

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By 2030, 99% of Global Jobs Will Vanish — Nations Prepare for Planetary Unemployment Festival

BEIJING, NAIROBI & RIO DE JANEIRO — Economists now agree: by 2030, 99% of jobs worldwide will vanish. Robots will farm rice, herd goats, and even sell churros on the beach, leaving humanity to invent the first truly global pastime — permanent unemployment.

Roman Yampolskiy, the AI safety expert who predicted the collapse, declared: “There is no Plan B. Humanity must accept that its only industry now is complaining in multiple languages.”

Asia: From Factories to Surfboards

In China, massive factories once employing millions are now staffed by robots working 24/7 without bathroom breaks. The government announced that displaced workers will be retrained as “professional nap champions.”

In India, call centers have collapsed. Eyewitness reports say AI now answers scam calls better than the scammers. One ex-worker said: “The robot convinced me to give it my bank details. I respect the hustle.”

In Japan, anime studios announced “Robot Idol Season 1”, featuring AI pop stars. Fans admitted the singing was flawless but “the glow sticks feel emptier somehow.”

Africa: Jobless but Dancing

In Kenya, safari guides were replaced by AI Jeeps that can spot lions and gossip about wildebeests. Locals shrugged and opened “Unemployment Dance Camps.”

In Nigeria, Nollywood announced its first AI-directed blockbuster: “The Unemployed Avenger.” Cast members admitted they were thrilled to be jobless: “Finally, time to binge our own films.”

In South Africa, miners laid off by AI declared themselves “Heritage Miners,” charging tourists to watch them not mine.

Latin America: Carnival of the Jobless

In Brazil, Rio’s Carnival has rebranded as the World Unemployment Festival. Floats now feature giant papier-mâché robots firing humans into confetti cannons.

In Mexico, taco vendors complained that AI bots make perfect tacos but forget to spill grease on your shirt. “That’s part of the experience!” shouted one vendor.

In Argentina, tango dancers were replaced by robots with better footwork. Locals now dance in protest, insisting that “robots can’t sweat with passion.”

Global Public Opinion

A fake United Nations poll revealed:

43% of Asians plan to become “professional sleepers.”

39% of Africans said they’ll monetize dancing.

41% of Latin Americans said they’ll turn unemployment into street festivals.

100% agreed they will never pay robots tips.

Governments React

China: Launched the “Great Nap Wall Project” — a million hammocks strung across the countryside.

India: Issued free chai to the jobless, calling it “liquid employment.”

Brazil: Declared unemployment a national sport, with medals awarded for laziest samba.

Kenya: Introduced the “Goat Subsidy” — free goats for everyone, because goats can’t be automated (yet).

An anonymous African Union staffer leaked a proposal for the “Global Queue of the Jobless.” Millions would line up around the Equator just to pass the time.

Witness Testimony

Chinese worker: “My robot replacement works harder, but it doesn’t enjoy noodles. That’s my edge.”

Kenyan guide: “The safari bots gossip better than me. They even roast the elephants.”

Brazilian dancer: “The robot samba is flawless, but it doesn’t shake with joy. That’s human unemployment magic.”

Mexican vendor: “AI tacos taste perfect. Too perfect. I miss the mistakes.”

Academic Commentary

Dr. Linda Harper of Harvard explained: “The collapse of global labor markets is catastrophic, but dance, naps, and sarcasm will become universal currencies.”

Professor Nigel Thistlethwaite of Oxford added: “When 99% are jobless worldwide, unemployment itself becomes culture. Nations will compete in laziness.”

Everyday Life in 2030

Asia: Factories turned into giant karaoke halls.

Africa: Unemployment choirs sing daily in Nairobi.

Latin America: Streets erupt with festivals celebrating nothing at all.

UNESCO has already recognized “Doing Nothing” as a new intangible cultural heritage.

Global Reactions

France: Complained that global unemployment was “too mainstream.”

Germany: Offered efficiency lessons in idleness.

Japan: Released anime Planet Jobless: Surfing the Apocalypse.

Australia: Declared surfing mandatory employment.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“By 2030, global unemployment will be the world’s first universal language.”

“Brazil will turn joblessness into a parade float.”

“In India, even the scams are automated.”

“Kenya will lead the world in unemployed lion selfies.”

“Robots may take our jobs, but they’ll never take our tacos.”

Cause and Effect

Cause: AI eliminates jobs across all continents.

Effect: Humanity embraces naps, festivals, and sarcasm.

Secondary Effect: By 2030, the United Nations will rename itself the Unemployment Nations.

Closing Fiesta

By 2030, global unemployment won’t be a tragedy but a lifestyle. Robots will code, cook, and herd goats. Humans will nap, dance, surf, and celebrate. The Earth will no longer have an economy—it will have a vibe.

As one Brazilian Carnival dancer declared: “If AI takes our jobs, fine. But it can’t out-samba the unemployed.”

Full news here: Wiedersehen.